


The Best and The Beast Meets The Noid

by UltimateWarriorFan4Ever



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Domino's Pizza, Drinking, Eating, Gen, Noid, Pizza, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 21:11:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11021694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UltimateWarriorFan4Ever/pseuds/UltimateWarriorFan4Ever
Summary: What happens when an awkward lunch hour between CM Punk, Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman gets interrupted by a pizza-eating troll? What must the three do to stop him? Co-written by me and The Anime Charismatic Shady.





	The Best and The Beast Meets The Noid

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything associated with the WWE, nor do I own any of the wrestlers included. The WWE, the wrestlers and their likeliness are owned by its chairman, Vince McMahon.

It looked really dreary and bleak around the entire town of Suplex City as two mysterious men got out of a silver Aston Martin. The driver was short, a little pudgy, dressed in a business suit and was decked out with a bald head (with a ponytail) while the other man was a muscular well-built muscleman with a blonde flattop, black track pants, white shoes and a t-shirt that read "Suplex City" in a street sign kind of way. The two that exited the car and went straight into Domino's were Paul Heyman and his client, "The Beast Incarnate", Brock Lesnar!

"I don't know why we're here in the first place," Lesnar groaned.

"Come on Brock don't be that way!" Paul said. "We're here to get some pizza for lunch."

"Are you sure you're not up to something?" Brock raised his eyebrow suspiciously.

"Brock, you've known me for a long time, if I had something planned, you'd know I would." Paul smirked to himself.

"I don't feel good about this." Brock said as he and Paul stepped inside the eating establishment.

But as soon as they stepped in, they noticed a voice talking to him.

"Well, it's about frickin' time, Mr. Heyman."

Suddenly, both Brock and Heyman knew that familiar voice they've been hearing came from only one man:

CM Punk.

"You just had to invite him?!" Lesnar said to Paul.

"Sorry if you don't like it Brock, but I wanna set things between you two." Paul said to Lesnar.

"Yeah, listen to your little midget, Lesnar." Punk said, insulting Lesnar's manager (which luckily Heyman didn't feel affected by).

"Oh yeah, how about I show both of you how much of a beast I can be?" Lesnar shouted at both Punk and Heyman.

Before both Punk and Lesnar could even think of going at it, Paul Heyman came between them just in time.

"Guys, this is not the time!" Heyman shouted. "I know the both of you can't stand each other and I can respect that! But trust me when I say this, I can help the both of you!"

"Look Paul, the only thing you can help me with is getting a lawyer so I can sue McMahon's ass." Punk moaned while rolling his eyes.

"I know how you feel, Punk!" Paul whined over to his former client. "Guys, all I ask is a quiet respectful lunch between the three of us so we can try to clear the tension between each other. Hell, you don't have to sit next to each other if you don't want to. All I just want is both of your time and that's it!"

After not too long of thinking, Brock Lesnar immediately gave his answer to Heyman.

"Sure, I'm game." He replied.

"Fine with me!" Punk replied as well.

"Thank you!" Paul said, rolling his eyes in relief.

As Punk scrunched his arms in anger, Paul Heyman managed to sit beside his ex-client. And then, Lesnar was sitting next to Heyman, just to irritate Punk even further in response. If there's anything Punk hated worse than hearing his ex-manager's ex-mouth, it was the towering structure of Brock Lesnar himself. He wanted to kick Lesnar's head straight off his body so bad, but for Heyman's well-being, he decided to let bygones be bygones for now.

As both Lesnar and Punk took their seats, Paul went up to the counter to order.

"Um, waiter sir!" Heyman said to one of the employees, who looked a little like Ben Savage. "Can you order one big pepperoni pizza for two of my clients? They have such a big appetite."

"Oh, right away sir!" The employee nodded before heading to the back.

"Thank you!" Heyman replied.

After paying for their order, Heyman approached both Punk and Lesnar, who luckily didn't talk to one another. Because if they did, it would get nasty from there, and Heyman made sure he didn't want that.

"Now, gentlemen! I know that you two have had some issues the past years, but I think we should get them all settled out." Heyman explained as he brought both Lesnar and Punk beverages.

However, there was something wrong with the beverage Punk got.

"Paul, why in the hell did you get me, Coke? I wanted Pepsi, dammit!" Punk whined.

"Sorry, they didn't had Pepsi!" Paul said.

"Oh boo hoo, Punk's whining because he didn't get his favorite soda." Lesnar mock.

As Punk looked around to Lesnar's side, a gasp appeared around the Chicagoan's face.

"Is... is that my Pepsi you're drinking?" Punk asked him.

"No dumbass, I'm drinking Dr. Pepper." Lesnar replied.

"Dr. Pepper, my ass!" Punk snapped before snatching the cup away from Lesnar.

Before the Beast could even think of stopping Punk, the Straight Edge Superstar noticed a white tape that said "Dr. Pepper" get a little loose. Raising his eyebrow, Punk stripped off the tape...

...

...

...

...

...

...to reveal a Pepsi logo around the blue cup!

"You assgoblin!" Punk pointed at Lesnar, who was being held back by Heyman.

"Oh, really? How about I lay the pain on you?" Lesnar shouted as Heyman did his best to hold both men back.

"Sure, I'll start with you, Pepsi-stealer!" Punk snarled.

Apparently, this verbal fight fest was becoming quite a migraine to Paul Heyman's ears. With all this shouting, hollering and agitating that they were doing, it was clear to Paul that he finally had enough.

"OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH!" Paul shouted, forcing both Punk and Lesnar to be calm for the time being.

After things settled down between the two, Paul continued his rant head-on while still screaming his head off.

"I DON'T CARE WHO'S SODA IS WHO'S, AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU KILL EACH OTHER OVER ONE STUPID DRINK! I JUST WANT A QUIET LUNCH BETWEEN US THREE AND NOTHING ELSE! AND IF YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT, THEN I CAN'T EAT! AND IF I CAN'T EAT, THEN I STARVE! NOW I ADVISE BOTH OF YOU TO SHUT UP AND EAT, OR AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I FUCKIN' BLOW THIS LITTLE JOINT TO KINGDOM COME! WE CLEAR?"

However, he ended up hearing a mutter from Punk instead. Not having to be told again, Paul eyed at Punk with a scary glare on his face.

"I said, 'Are we clear?'" Heyman replied.

"Fine..." Punk growled.

"Are we clear on that too, Lesnar?" Heyman asked him.

"Crystal clear..." Lesnar growled as well.

"Now both you gentlemen stay quiet, I'll go get some bread sticks to hold you guys over till the pizza is ready." Heyman said as he walked to the counter.

As Heyman left his table, both Punk and Lesnar were crossing their arms respectfully, not even bothering to look at each other. The two definitely had to be on their best behavior, otherwise one of them was obviously gonna go apeshit all over again.

"I can't believe that walrus invited you..." Punk muttered.

"I can't believe he would ever bother to invite an asshole like you..." Lesnar muttered back.

"Like I wanted to be here in the first place!" Punk exclaimed, rolling his eyes in defense. "Can't believe they got my drink wrong..."

"You're not the only one that didn't want to come here, I freakin' hate this pizza place." Lesnar exclaimed, rolling his eyes.

"What would you rather do, then?" Punk huffed a little.

"None of your damn business!" Lesnar glared at Punk.

"That's what I thought of, too!" Punk smirked, clenching his hand into a fist.

But before Lesnar could think of the same thing, Heyman finally came back with the breadsticks and pizza in hand. Seeing that huge pizza in hand, Punk and Lesnar immediately put back their differences for each other (for the time being, of course), and focused on putting on a straight face for Paul Heyman's amusement.

"Well, it took me a lot of work, but I've got the pizza!" Heyman smirked.

"Finally, it's about time." Punk said, rolling his eyes in relief while Paul put the pizza down in front of the two angry clients.

"Just to let you know, this just came fresh from the oven, so I assume you've all packed your ice packs in handy!" Heyman smirked yet again.

"Here's gonna need one for his brain after I'm done with this stupid meal..." Lesnar muttered, referring to Punk.

Luckily for him, Paul didn't even hear those agitating words of his muscle-bound client. All Heyman was focusing on was that hot delicious pepperoni pizza and those tasty breadsticks that became sizzling with that buttery aroma.

"Now gentlemen, I know how badly you two hate each other." Heyman explained. "But you guys are my best clients, and I would like you guys to work something out."

"What do you have in mind?" Punk groaned.

With a smirk, Heyman brought out the best solution for Punk and Lesnar to have.

"A handshake." He stated.

Hearing this, both Punk and Lesnar's jaws were immediately dropped in disbelief.

"You want me to shake his hand?" Lesnar stated. "No way!"

"Yeah, screw that!" Punk growled.

"Okay, but no handshake means no food at all." Heyman smirked evilly while taking a huge whiff of the pizza.

"Well then, I can tell that this was a waste." Punk stated. "If we're not getting any food, then why the hell should I be here at all?"

"You know what Paul? Fuck this shit, I'm out of here." Lesnar shouted.

"You know what, that's just frickin' fine with me." Heyman groaned as if he was finally giving up on the two. "But before you even think about getting in that car, please note that I've stashed the car keys around my shoe, and the car windows cannot be shattered. Like I said, feel free to take a walk in that cold bleak air. I know I won't."

Suddenly, Heyman eyed onto that delicious slice of pepperoni pizza holding around his hands. Looking at that made Lesnar's stomach rumble all over. It was clear to Lesnar that he was obviously hungry, but not at an opportune time when CM Punk's in the picture. Just the aroma of that delicious pizza was getting straight to the Beast Incarnate's nose. He had a disdain for Domino's all the way, but with the rest of his toes curling with desperation, he obviously needed something in his stomach right away.

"Oh man, why does that look so good...?" Punk thought while looking at the pizza with hunger.

"What the hell am I even thinking here?" Lesnar thought as well.

"So guys, are you gonna work this out or not?" Heyman asked, crossing his arms.

Both Punk and Brock knew that Heyman had them beat. No matter what they would say or do, the big Jewish advocate would think a step ahead of them. Knowing this first hand, the two had no choice but to give up.

"Fine, I'll stay." Lesnar groaned, "Only because the drinks are actually tolerable."

"Same here!" Punk groaned, "But I promise you this, Heyman. If this don't work, I'm never speaking to you again."

"That's all I ever needed!" Heyman sighed.

Getting over this already, both Punk and Lesnar took a seat next to a smiling Paul Heyman, who was already having his mouth watered at the sight of that delicious pizza. He willfully grabbed a plate and cut out a slice with perfect precision, handing it to both Punk and Brock respectively. After they both had their slices, Heyman dug one for himself on his plate. From there, everything was put into place.

"There we go, now this is what you call a lunch!" Paul smirked. "Ain't that right, fellas?"

"I guess so!" Lesnar muttered, taking a bite of his pizza slice.

"Yeah, whatever!" Punk muttered, biting into his slice as well.

"I'm so glad my work is done." Heyman smirked before taking a bite of his slice as well.

But before that could happen...

_*SPLAT!*_

A small midget (in what seemed to be dressed up in a red bunny costume) appeared out of nowhere and started stomping on the pizza non-stop, therefore scaring both Brock, Heyman and Punk altogether.

"Hey, what the hell?" Punk whined.

"Grrrrrrrrrrrr..." Lesnar growled.

Suddenly, Brock started flipping the table over and went after the small creature.

The midget, which was actually called The Noid, started running across the entire restaurant like a jackrabbit running for his frickin' life. Lesnar breathed in and out, trying to keep up with the sneaky little bastard in red. Just to confuse the Beast Incarnate, the Noid would pop up around random tables, making it quite the Whack-A-Mole game for Lesnar. Heyman was busy cheering on his client to catch and beat the crap out of him, while Punk did basically nothing.

That was until he changed his mind though.

"You know what? I'm gonna give that Noid an ass kicking of a lifetime." Punk stated as he got out of his seat and went after the Noid too.

So as the Noid was basically cornered into a wall, he noticed Punk running after him.

Using his smarts, the Noid moved out of the way, forcing the Straight Edge Superstar to painfully hit the wall!

"ACK!" Punk gagged in pain, "That stupid bitch!"

The Noid laughed for a good second until he saw Lesnar coming right after him. Scared for his safety, the Noid ran to the door, leaving Lesnar to continue chasing him outside. The Noid soon found himself standing next to the Aston Martin. So as Lesnar lunged right at him...

_*CRASH!*_

The Noid moved out of the way, leaving Lesnar to painfully collide with the vehicle!

"AGGGH, DAMN IT!" Lesnar yelled in total pain while The Noid shook his butt far away from him.

However, the Noid didn't realize CM Punk coming right behind his tail. Screaming his head off, The Noid started running right away, mostly towards Paul Heyman. He ended up using Lesnar's advocate as some kind of hiding place just so that it made it very harder for Punk to catch him.

"Come on you guys, get that little bastard already." Heyman shouted to Lesnar and Punk.

"I'm trying to, okay?!" Punk shouted. "He's too fuckin' fast for us!"

"Get the hell off our backs, Paul!" Lesnar yelled.

Somehow, Punk suddenly saw the Noid climbing up onto Heyman's shoulders. Pissed off already, Lesnar managed to grab a high chair.

Using excellent power and precision, Lesnar swung the high chair...

...

...

...only for the Noid to move out of the way, hitting Heyman instead.

"Ugh, damn it!" Lesnar groaned.

"You dumbass, you just knocked Paul out and The Noid's getting away!" Punk shouted as he pushed Lesnar.

"Get the hell off my back retard, he's too fast for anybody to catch." Lesnar shouts back.

"Well, I ain't givin' up!" Punk exclaimed. "I'm gonna catch him if I lose even one breath out of my body!"

"Same here!" Lesnar replied. "I'll make that Noid pay for this!"

"You got a plan on how to stop him?" Punk said, raising his eyebrow.

"I don't care about that as long as we kick his ass!" Lesnar shook his head in return.

"Agreed!" Punk said while both men continued to chase The Noid down.

By now, the Noid was standing on top of the cash register, shaking their butt at the two annoyed, pissed-off men.

Trying to find a weapon somewhere, Punk noticed a bowl of forks standing across the salad bar. It wasn't just any ordinary fork, they were steel-centered forks that can basically slice through any kind of meaty food. Using those as darts, Punk threw the forks straight after the Noid, who avoided them with ease.

"Damnit, that didn't work!" Punk groaned.

"Keep trying, alright!" Lesnar exclaimed while he threw a drink at the Noid, which by the way, he easily avoided. "Motherfucker!" He shouted.

"It's like we're not even trying!" Punk cried out.

"Maybe Paul was right, maybe we need to work together." Lesnar said.

"Right," Punk nodded. "You got a plan now?"

"Keep throwing shit until he's somehow tired!" Lesnar replied.

"Good thinking!" Punk nodded.

So far, both men started throwing everything from plates to silverware to pizza trays to drinks. And each time, the Noid used his flexible reflexes to avoid all of their projectiles, just like Neo from The Matrix. It kept pissing both Punk and Lesnar off to the point that they would now start throwing chairs in order to knock him off. The people around them were so scared that they either ran out of the restaurant or ended up being brave by staying and ducking for cover.

While the Noid was still dodging their projectiles, Paul Heyman started regaining consciousness and saw that the Noid suddenly had his guard down fron behind. After shaking off the nerves from the attack, Paul thought of an idea itself. So he saw a pizza tray lying right around his feet and managed to reach for it. He then crawled like a soldier and snuck up behind the little bastard. So while the Noid was laughing annoyingly at both the duo, Heyman spoke right from behind:

"Guess who, Noid...?"

When the Noid turned around, Heyman swung his pizza tray...

...

...

...only for the Noid to duck down!

Suddenly, when both Punk and Lesnar saw this, they decided to capitalize!

"Okay, he's distracted!" Punk nodded.

"Let's get him!" Lesnar shouted.

While the Noid got distracted, both Lesnar and Punk tackled him to the ground.

With the Noid pinned, Lesnar started feeding the annoying troll with fist shot after fist shot. Each hit felt like 1000 little tiny meteorites crashing down and damaging each part of the Noid's face to begin with. He didn't even give a chance to let the Noid rest up, and luckily for Lesnar, the Beast Incarnate didn't give a shit about the Noid's problems at all.

"Yeah, that's right, beat the holy shit out of him up!" Heyman shouted, cheering Brock Lesnar on.

After punching him for a minute long, Lesnar then headbutted the Noid repeatedly, leaving out a huge dent in the pizza-destroyer's head. The dent on the Noid's forehead looked so big, it looked like he got hit by a football going as fast as a bullet train.

"How do you like that, huh?" Lesnar shouts in The Noid's face.

"Hey, save some for me, man." Punk said to Lesnar.

"Oh, you want some of him?" Lesnar smirked. "Go ahead, man."

Grabbing the Noid by his crummy little ears, Lesnar shoved him into Punk, who picked up the Noid with a freakishly fast airplane spin. The speed Punk was going was nearly enough to make the little pizza troll sick as ever.

"That's right guys, show that little bastard not to mess with us." Heyman shouts in excitement.

As he saw the Noid's head spin out of dizziness, Punk decided to let him down...

...

...

...right by his knee, cracking the Noid's face with a Go To Sleep!

That move didn't make the Noid go down though, but it stumbled him back onto Brock Lesnar, who stared down the scared little Noid like a total beast. Grabbing the little maggot's throat, Brock Lesnar then picked him up in a Fireman's Carry while looking at his advocate, who had a sly dirty smile on his face.

"Finish him," Heyman said with gritting teeth. "FINISH HIM OFF, BROCK!"

Giving out Heyman's approval, Brock Lesnar slammed the Noid down with a huge F5 on the floor, knocking him out instantly! The Noid was as down like a doorknob, not even showing signs of movement from that attack.

"YEAH!" Lesnar shouts. "How do you like that?"

The Noid didn't respond to what Lesnar said to him, he was as motionless as ever. So after the Beast was busy talking to him, Punk had a few choice words for him.

"You ever mess with me, Brock or Paul like that, than I'll freeze your ass off faster than you make a pizza cold!" Punk exclaimed.

"So next time, don't fuck with us, douchebag." Lesnar said while kicking The Noid in the face, just to add insult to injury.

While the Noid was coughing up blood, Paul Heyman approached his boys, patting their shoulders for a job well done.

"See? Told you that wasn't so bad." Heyman smirked.

"Yeah, I guess not!" Punk said.

"I can tell you guys this, I enjoyed kicking that Noid's ass so much." Lesnar smirked.

"I can see why," Heyman nodded. "So, you both agree to make amends now?"

"Sure, no problem." Lesnar shrugged while lending Punk a hand.

Seeing that muscular hand close-up, Punk smirked as he shook it, therefore making amends between the two. That little handshake brought total delight to the face of one Mr. Paul Heyman like never before.

"Now this is what I love to see," The advocate nodded. "Let's celebrate it with pizza, huh?"

Nodding along with Heyman, both Lesnar and Punk went right after their slice of already-stomped-on pizza.

But as soon as they touched it though, they immediately felt a cold feeling from their hands. Apparently, the Noid had gotten their pizza stone cold as ever, which disappointed the duo of both Punk and Lesnar.

"Oh great, thanks to the fucking Noid, the pizza's so damn cold now!" Punk whined.

"Now what?" Lesnar groaned.

Suddenly, the three all turned to the Noid, who was basically wobbling while trying to get back up. Both Punk, Brock and Heyman shot a very deadly cold glare at him, making The Noid very responsible for ruining their lunch. So much in fact that Paul Heyman gave his guys the best solution to have in what to do with the Noid:

"Kill him."

With those commands so high and true, both Punk and Lesnar went right after the Noid and threw the poor red sucker into an oncoming diesel truck, driven by Kevin Nash.

It was clear that a new superpower partnership was now born between CM Punk and Brock Lesnar. With the two behind their mastermind, Paul Heyman, the two co-ruled Suplex City at the rule of an iron fist. It was clear that no one ever wanted to mess with them, and luckily for every citizen's safety, no one ever did. That's the way both Punk and Lesnar wanted it to be from that thereon.

And for The Noid? No one ever missed that stupid annoying fucker at all. He was gone to that great forgotten 80's relic in the sky, next to Max Headroom, California Raisins, and that godawful abomination known as Milli Vanilli. It was safe to say that the world had finally became a better place to live in without The Noid. Literally.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone doesn't remember who the Noid is, he was the villainous mascot for Domino's Pizza in the late 80's. Anyway, we were kinda inspired by a part in a Family Guy episode where Mayor Adam West beats the shit out of the Noid. He definitely got what's coming to him, that's for sure.
> 
> Anyway, what did the rest of you all think? Feedbacks are welcomed! Until next time, Warrior over and out! WOOOOOO!


End file.
